The Journey

    This past week has been a very trying time for me personally. I thought we were doing well and then things change. Life happens you know. So now I sit with my thoughts trying to solve the obstacles not only for myself but for each person in my life as well. 
    The journey we are on changes you. Suddenly you are chasing a dream that you didn't even know that you had. It was a dream that came to you later in life, and it was a strong burning desire. So you chased it. Now you are almost there, you've tasted it, felt it, been actively in the dream doing it. We aren't looking for much, but we are looking for is right there…. so close. It still is against almost everything we used to think we wanted, and is definitely against what many others are after. We are so close, and yet so far away. But this close has ever changed us. It is impossible for us to go on as we were going. I can't knowingly return to the rat race as the same person I was before, but I also am very stuck. 
    A person told me last week I was struggling with self-permission. Perhaps that is slightly true, but mostly I do want to allow myself to be a part of this dream. I do want to give myself the permission to be what I feel I am meant to be. The problem actually lies in things outside of my control. At least they are out of my control unless I return to the rat race. I was also reminded last week that people I love are in two very different places on this. Some support me completely and freely even when giving up their own desires to help me achieve it. Some support me as long as it doesn't affect them and their desires. I get it… I want to chase these dreams, and it doesn't have to be every ones cup of tea so to speak. I can't figure out the equation. I can't be in two very different places at once. I am leaning on myself, I am weighing pros and cons, I am allowing myself to feel every thought, and I am holding out faith that the right opportunity presents itself. I'm searching for it. The thing I need to make this work, or the answer that tells me I'm fighting for nothing, something I can never have (I hope that isn't really the case). 

    I know I can't just go back to square one again. I'm different than I was then. The journey has changed me. There are things I can't undo. There are goals and dreams still screaming in my ear. I'm a lost soul who is also very, very found. 

    This quote I think needs to be my mantra today. Since I'm unable to go back and start over. I have to seek the how I can keep forward going on as I never have. 

    I struggle with not knowing my direction. I've always known my direction. I've never relied on "trusting the process" or "going with the flow" even though I knew unexpected situations would arise and create obstacles. I knew if I had the goal I'd just keep chipping away at it. I knew I could count on myself to always take control and get whatever needed to be done. I don't feel like I can just take control this time. I guess I'm still chipping away at this one, but the obstacles are huge! There are little lives on the ride with me. I just want to make sure I'm not screwing this up for anyone else, while I show them a different take on life. I'm going to have to continue on… and find my way out of these messy thoughts. 

- A