Just a decade...

    So there's an argument between J and myself whether it's the 15th of January or the 21st. Regardless, somewhere this past week we hit 10 years. No not our wedding vows... But 10 years ago I convinced this guy to hang out with me. I wasn't even seriously thinking he would stick around. Good thing I am convincing and good thing he was more seriously committed than I was! I was a very guarded person (still am, mostly) but he waited and helped me climb over my walls and see the view.

    I'd known his family for quite some time. However, I think I can safely say most our family and friends shook their heads, and wondered what we were thinking then. I was thinking this guy was a good listener, and he was an encourager. I needed that. I was in a weird place and in lots of trouble! He was also in lots of trouble. So I reciprocated being an encourager. Our friendship was built on pushing each other to be our best selves. In fact, our vows stated marriage was not about looking at one another, but looking together in the same direction. He is pretty good looking though ;).

    In 10 years we've done a few things together. A few of the most note worthy are: almost buy a falling apart trailer, buying an actual trailer that was worth it, many vehicles, brought home many animals who needed loving homes, got into debt, got out of debt, late nights with friends, even later nights studying for classes, graduating with a degree or two, several jobs that have both stretched us and helped us grow tremendously, several tears, and so much laughter. 

    Even more remarkable is the family we've built. The friendship we have that pushes us to be our best selves has resulted in a beautiful girl, H, that we obtained custody of several years ago, and finally I adopted her as my own in 2015. Our handsome son, C, we also work hard to be passionate about life, and make him proud daily. We miss him with the greatest ache, but have learned so much through grief that makes us better people and parents. Our rainbow, M, has amplified the beautiful parts of life. She teaches us to slow down and embrace each moment. We are remembering to view the world with new eyes. We have this beautiful family, in this home that maybe is just a house that needs love to most... But is home to us. In a decade with this guy, we have come far, and it really shows me that we will go far if we continue together. :) 

    We still want to bring home furry children daily. It's a real struggle. We still are staying up late studying to accomplish our next goals. We are still just two people encouraging each other to keep going, to never let anything stop us, and planning the next decade the best we can to be the best people and parents as we can for our kids. We still are sharing tears and causing each other much laughter. 

It's just a decade... And it happens in a blink! 

In the Middle of Here and There

    Happiness is what we are all after. We all want to be the definition of happiness, and we do so by pursuing dreams, by counting our blessings, and by enjoying all the beautiful things in the world. Those three things I believe our family is good at! One of the hardest things I've ever encountered has been the ability to be simultaneously overjoyed happy and walking on uncharted territory.

    After we lost C, I struggled with postpartum depression, or perhaps it was just grief induced depression. Either way it was tough. When I say that I knew M wouldn't fix that, I really did. I can't lie though and say that I hadn't hoped the joy of a rainbow baby wouldn't at least help patch me up. She absolutely does. However, it was quite shocking to me that after she was born I would have postpartum depression again, and looking at it now I'm sure I have both depression and anxiety since her birth. Everything I do I usually over think and make into something it isn't. Still some days I wake up and don't want to crawl out of bed. Other days I wake up in the middle of the quietest hours of night and think for hours. I did seek help and treatment, but they didn't help much. I've found since the day I asked for help that I only wanted to make it go away. I had things to accomplish and wasn't allowing myself the grace I needed to give myself time. I'm not saying it's OK, as in I should just live with them. I'm saying that I should allow them their place in shaping who I am, and learn to get through them, whatever that means. The good news is M and H are every reason of my every day to get out of bed and figure out my way through them. They are every reason for me to crawl out of my cave of depression and talk myself off the cliff of anxiety. They are every reason for me to figure out these next steps to get us where we want to be.

         We are approaching 10 years together this month and some other important anniversaries are upcoming. In all those years we have done some amazing things… and we have fallen on our faces a few times. Every time we've been able to pull through, and I don't doubt that this is just another one of the challenges of life that will shape us. If you had talked to me about plans years ago I would never have imagined this was my life. Today though it is, and I have set my sights to keep heading this direction. It is full of the scariest challenges and makes little sense to most. The easy way out would be to drop the dream and rejoin what many view as "Normal". Normal doesn't suit me anymore. The word "Lost" keeps coming in my brain when I try to put words to this. Lost, doesn't describe it at all though. I know where we are, I know where we want to go and because of those two things being lost is not what I am. I'm only on uncharted territory, and I don't know how I get from where I am, through the epic jungle, to where we want to be. All that inspires me says we must persevere the struggle though.

    I really wish I had all that money that I didn't have when I thought I was broke when J and I first started out. Ha Ha! While we have always been pretty frugal, and need little we haven't always made the best choices financially. Even to this day we mess up. We've taken Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course more than once. It works in our opinion. We just are struggling to live on next to nothing to elevate what we think is more important than money in our lives. We value our family time and goals for our family. We always had two incomes, and we always both worked hard and just paid for or did whatever we needed to. Since discovering that we really needed to have a passion or a love for what we did even if it meant less money. We want to spend more time together, build a "homestead" and be close to self-sufficient. A part of that plan includes me being home with the kids, gardening, and our new journey of homeschooling. We hadn't planned on only one income though and didn't prepare well. We really believed I could market myself to be a freelance Graphic Designer. I have some degrees and experience. If I could get a few jobs here or there I would be able to supplement his income. It hasn't happened yet. This has left the pinch a bit more than anticipated.

     The one thing I know is the depression and anxiety are calmed by me doing art. I can't design anything right now. I gave up my programs to free up more income for now. So I am painting, drawing and expressing myself through any medium I can get my hands into. I'm hoping that I can figure out at least establish the finances to go back to college this year. I'm truly hoping that by obtaining my Bachelor's in Graphic Design I can finally get myself marketed for some income, or even work for a firm some how. J has his own plans to be creative and freelance eventually. I'm hoping we figure out  the money to chase our career dreams. Eventually we'd love to be "early-retiree's" in the we don't work for an employer and are actively doing passionate jobs. It seems like an unreal dream, but we know that it is possible.

So I'm stuck in the middle of being at the happiest I've ever been, counting the best blessings, chasing dreams that we CAN achieve, and also walking on uncharted territory that is full of scary traps and dark corners. One step at a time, we'll continue forward.

- A

Max

    H was tasked with writing a short Personal Narrative. She brainstormed many ideas and decided to go with this one. It's funny to read a narrative from your child, especially when you don't recall the story exactly the way they do. :) I always love her ability to be descriptive and to really make you feel with your senses her stories. - A

"Max"

      The car ride was long and the rain sounded like boulders. Then all was silent, not a twitter from a bird. I knew where we were, Halley's house. We got out of the car, the taste of water droplets filled my mouth.

    As we walked through the door, I felt warm and dry like home. I walked in and saw the litter of kittens. I knew I was going to get my new best friend. He was the only boy of the kittens.

    ''Do you want him?'', my Father asked.

    ''Yes.'' I responded.

    We walked back to the car. I snuggled my new kitten. I didn't notice the rain anymore. I started saying names ''Thunder, Lightning, Bolt!'' I shouted.

     My Father requested something not so common and I paused for a second.

     ''What about Maximilian?'', my Mother spoke.

    ''Well he's got an M on his forehead.'' I added.

   We all agreed and that is how he became my "Maximilian".

- H